he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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