Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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