yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
