Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
