I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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