I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
