You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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