dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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