Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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