I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
There's always time for handjobs
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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