apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
