Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
