hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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