Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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