I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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