We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
