I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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