I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Randomize
