I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
