I wish my penis had an off switch
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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