she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
