***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
