do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Randomize
