Swine flu. Run for my life!
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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