I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
