My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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