I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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