Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
