Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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