ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
