Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
