I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
The air taste purple.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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