It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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