I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Even my vagina gasped.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Randomize
