I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
