I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize