If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
