well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
