we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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