um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
