y did u give ur computer a hand job?
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
