I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize