You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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