i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
