you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
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