The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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