tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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