I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize