At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
