i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
