i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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