he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
