he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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