I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
