I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
