dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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