this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
